Breath of Fresh Air

You ever get real sick or feel nausea coming on so you have to go out side for some fresh air? Well that's how my life has been for the last 20 years but untreated. You see I knew where the fresh air was I just refused to go get it. I chose to stay sick and nauseous. My body and mind were so polluted with drugs and wrong thinking that not only did this feeling and sickness effect me it effected my friends and family and the women I tried to hold on to.

God introduced me into the World on December 1,1974. My mom and dad could not wait til I was born. They had been trying to have a baby for 4 years and were unsuccessful. So you can imagine how they felt when they were all packed and getting ready to leave the country to find out my mom was Pregnant. It was a breath of fresh air for my parents it changed everything. Little did they know what lied ahead.No parent can tell what the future holds for there baby when they are born. If we could do that the world would not be the way it is today.

I wish I could tell you I had a bad childhood growing up but my parents gave me everything that they never had and more. They wanted the best for this little guy and they made sure he got it.My parents were very hard workers my mother was going to school and working at Sears in Elyria and my dad was at the local factory in Elyria as well until he got a Job at General Motors. Seeing that my parents were working so hard they had to have me watched by a baby sitter.

The land of sitters for me was not very pleasant. Started off great until that fateful day they hired the wrong one. They had no clue this girl was going to molest me for a long time as well as beat me.Well when they did find out all hell broke looseI wish I could have said it stopped there but it didn't the next baby sitter just molested me with out the beating. Until finally they asked family to watch me. My parents were so devastated. How could this happen to there little child? I figure it was the beginning to what was to come.

Through the years of growing up my parents bought me what ever I asked for and provided the best for me. I think in my mind it was there way of coping with what had happen to me. That would be the biggest mistake in my life yet to come.Whenever I was told NO I would go into a rage not understanding why this was happening. As the older I got the worse. I was so spoiled I had no clue how it was effecting me nor my family.

Lets jump ahead here now some years so we can get to the cure lol. Throughout my growing up with my parents they would give me money when ever I asked for it . Borrow the car more and more money. It never stopped. Eventually through all my lies and conniving ways I met this wonderful women who did not even know what she was in for. Three kids later and me screwing up her life and a divorce. I will tell you this that we are today wonderful parents of three of the most amazing kids you will ever meet. It did not stop there.

My drug usage and lying started to get worse and out of control. I was renting out my parents car, wrecking cars, losing job after job, not paying my child support, girlfriend after girlfriend, using them for money and not caring about anyone except me! I will tell you the drugs stopped and the drinking started. I figured I could stop one and start another. Was I wrong. That only opened the door for more lies and drugs.

My parents purchased a 535i BMW for me. Imagine that lol. Long story short I sold the car do to my drug usage for 4 eight balls  of cocaine. If you don't know that's a street value of 600 bucks at that time. So you do the math on that !!! Wow right. So i am going to jump here now again years. Through out my usage of drugs and alcohol I have managed to get a record as well and also do more damage. I eventually stopped drugs but kept on drinking and living the lies. I met a women who I thought was right for me and little did I know all the lies and drinking would effect our relationship. She was no saint but I will tell you this my lifestyle was pure crap.

You see just because I quit the drugs and the drinking did not cure me. I stayed in that old life style still. There was no change in me just a couple of my habits. Let me tell you this, I have a little girl now on the way and a broken relationship. Now to the crazy part. I got introduced into the program of AA. I have to tell you the program does work but you have to do the work. I thought AA could change me. NOPE! It gives you the suggested steps. I will tell you this I white knuckled this until a little bit ago letting go completely and surrendering totally and walking it and not just talking it. I was on my knees crying and asking God to lift me up and I am done with this not to save me from all these bills or get me out of this mess. But Save me from me! Its me that needed this change, this Breath of Fresh Air.

I will tell you this and this is no bull. It happens different for everyone but for me I heard him say I am here. I laid in bed that night slept so different then I ever had before. My Daily walk is different now and I pray and give thanks and  listen to him daily. So what happened you ask? I will tell you !!!! I have a job now and I have my own place with a wonderful roommate who is saved also and walks with me on this faith based journey in Christ. I have my kids on the weekends, sleep overs and watching them grow up. My Ex Wife comes and gets me to take me to their games and brings the kids over to my house. I fellowship with others in this program of recovery as well. I danced with my daughter for the first time in my life sober and she kisses me and tells me she missed me and loves me.

A breath of fresh air and a new life. There is life after death I am living proof. My soul was dead until fresh air was breathed into me and gave me life.

Thank you lord for showing me and not leaving me.