Breath of Fresh Air

You ever get real sick or feel nausea coming on so you have to go out side for some fresh air? Well that's how my life has been for the last 20 years but untreated. You see I knew where the fresh air was I just refused to go get it. I chose to stay sick and nauseous. My body and mind were so polluted with drugs and wrong thinking that not only did this feeling and sickness effect me it effected my friends and family and the women I tried to hold on to.

God introduced me into the World on December 1,1974. My mom and dad could not wait til I was born. They had been trying to have a baby for 4 years and were unsuccessful. So you can imagine how they felt when they were all packed and getting ready to leave the country to find out my mom was Pregnant. It was a breath of fresh air for my parents it changed everything. Little did they know what lied ahead.No parent can tell what the future holds for there baby when they are born. If we could do that the world would not be the way it is today.

I wish I could tell you I had a bad childhood growing up but my parents gave me everything that they never had and more. They wanted the best for this little guy and they made sure he got it.My parents were very hard workers my mother was going to school and working at Sears in Elyria and my dad was at the local factory in Elyria as well until he got a Job at General Motors. Seeing that my parents were working so hard they had to have me watched by a baby sitter.

The land of sitters for me was not very pleasant. Started off great until that fateful day they hired the wrong one. They had no clue this girl was going to molest me for a long time as well as beat me.Well when they did find out all hell broke looseI wish I could have said it stopped there but it didn't the next baby sitter just molested me with out the beating. Until finally they asked family to watch me. My parents were so devastated. How could this happen to there little child? I figure it was the beginning to what was to come.

Through the years of growing up my parents bought me what ever I asked for and provided the best for me. I think in my mind it was there way of coping with what had happen to me. That would be the biggest mistake in my life yet to come.Whenever I was told NO I would go into a rage not understanding why this was happening. As the older I got the worse. I was so spoiled I had no clue how it was effecting me nor my family.

Lets jump ahead here now some years so we can get to the cure lol. Throughout my growing up with my parents they would give me money when ever I asked for it . Borrow the car more and more money. It never stopped. Eventually through all my lies and conniving ways I met this wonderful women who did not even know what she was in for. Three kids later and me screwing up her life and a divorce. I will tell you this that we are today wonderful parents of three of the most amazing kids you will ever meet. It did not stop there.

My drug usage and lying started to get worse and out of control. I was renting out my parents car, wrecking cars, losing job after job, not paying my child support, girlfriend after girlfriend, using them for money and not caring about anyone except me! I will tell you the drugs stopped and the drinking started. I figured I could stop one and start another. Was I wrong. That only opened the door for more lies and drugs.

My parents purchased a 535i BMW for me. Imagine that lol. Long story short I sold the car do to my drug usage for 4 eight balls  of cocaine. If you don't know that's a street value of 600 bucks at that time. So you do the math on that !!! Wow right. So i am going to jump here now again years. Through out my usage of drugs and alcohol I have managed to get a record as well and also do more damage. I eventually stopped drugs but kept on drinking and living the lies. I met a women who I thought was right for me and little did I know all the lies and drinking would effect our relationship. She was no saint but I will tell you this my lifestyle was pure crap.

You see just because I quit the drugs and the drinking did not cure me. I stayed in that old life style still. There was no change in me just a couple of my habits. Let me tell you this, I have a little girl now on the way and a broken relationship. Now to the crazy part. I got introduced into the program of AA. I have to tell you the program does work but you have to do the work. I thought AA could change me. NOPE! It gives you the suggested steps. I will tell you this I white knuckled this until a little bit ago letting go completely and surrendering totally and walking it and not just talking it. I was on my knees crying and asking God to lift me up and I am done with this not to save me from all these bills or get me out of this mess. But Save me from me! Its me that needed this change, this Breath of Fresh Air.

I will tell you this and this is no bull. It happens different for everyone but for me I heard him say I am here. I laid in bed that night slept so different then I ever had before. My Daily walk is different now and I pray and give thanks and  listen to him daily. So what happened you ask? I will tell you !!!! I have a job now and I have my own place with a wonderful roommate who is saved also and walks with me on this faith based journey in Christ. I have my kids on the weekends, sleep overs and watching them grow up. My Ex Wife comes and gets me to take me to their games and brings the kids over to my house. I fellowship with others in this program of recovery as well. I danced with my daughter for the first time in my life sober and she kisses me and tells me she missed me and loves me.

A breath of fresh air and a new life. There is life after death I am living proof. My soul was dead until fresh air was breathed into me and gave me life.

Thank you lord for showing me and not leaving me.

The Big Picture

I woke up this morning feeling kinda ok, but kinda uneasy.These words keep popping in my head I see the bigger picture.Yesterday I was walking from place to place and it was cold outside and I was walking over the bridge on Washington Ave and again I heard I see the bigger picture.Last night I sat on the couch in front of the fire wondering why the things that are going on in my life hurt so much sometimes , again I here I see the bigger picture."Yes Lord I here you and I know that you see the bigger picture."For so many years I was hearing that same voice and telling my self , "Lord I am afraid and I have lost control." Now the answer comes so clear and there is no def ear to this message he is whispering in my ear."Don't be afraid I will guide you my son."Tears roll down my face thinking for so many year I have been lost but now I am found.I will not sit here and write you and tell you this walk is perfect or peaches and creme cus its not. I will tell you this though,I am not afraid any more. God's word is like headlights in dark times. It is full of promises we need to keep us from driving our lives into the ditch of bitterness and despair.His word promises us that he will never leave us or forsake us.His word assures us that he knows the the plans he has for us,plans for wholeness and not destruction or hate,to give us a future of hope and promise. And he tells us our trials are there to make us better not bitter.So the next time you feel as if you are driving in the Dark, REMEMBER TO TRUST YOUR HEAD LIGHTS-GODS WORD WILL LIGHT YOUR WAY JUST BE STILL AND LISTEN.

Walking

I have been walking alot today and as I have been walking I have watched others. I have noticed that this world is such in a rush. People have no manners or just dont care.I was walking in the Downtown Elyria area today and I noticed there was a guy who I have not seen in 2 years in this store front. So I stopped in and over heard this guy talkking to him about this book he was reading. Wow it was the 24 hour book of AA how neat I read that book every morning. This guy was telling my friend how this program had changed his life just recently.Well long story short I intrpduced myslef to this guy and we instantly became friends and exchanged numbers. Well then My friend who I have not seen in for ever explained to me how he is a new man and turned his life over to God!!!!!!!! I tell you this story to share that God does work if you let him and you don't put your busy signal all the time. Slow down to see others around you and what they are doing. Are you to busy? Well I am off to class !More walking lol lol

Broken Hearted Father

So I am writing this one cus I am upset. I find out by my middle child that I am having a little girl from my ex.I know that I have not been the best person in the world but I love my kids and and would never stop them from seeing there mother or father if the role was reversed.I feel like crying and yelling and blaming myself for this stupidity that I have put this child in. I know that I am on the right track and I am doing what God wants me to do. It just hurts that this could have been so different.I am not interested in this women anymore just want to be in this little girl's life. I know change must stay here for me. She will never know the old me only by stories. She will see a father who will love her and be in her life know matter what I have to do. There is no price on my daughters life. Lord I call upon you tonight to protect this baby little girl and to ease her fathers thoughts and to keep the mother safe and for you to hardened the heart. Draw her close to yo father and show her the love you have showed me. Amen 

Frustration

Frustration - is a common emotional response to opposition. Related to anger and disappointment, it arises from the perceived resistance to the fulfillment of individual will. I will tell you that I deal with this on a daily basis. I have learned though I and only I  have the control of how I deal with the situation. Its rough sometimes to realize that I have no control over the situation , but I have control on how I react to it. I am learning to be calm and let God do the show for me. There is a great picture as I was told on Monday that we don't see all the time. We only see the small view.Its so neat though when you step back and watch and wait. When its taken care of your like wow I got worried and all bent out of shape over nothing. So now I just let go and let God do his work. Even if you Don't believe its common sense to just relax and think first before acting on something that is really nothing. Well I am off to Run 2 miles and get out of my head for a sec lol

Waiting

Do you ever get the waiting bug? I do , waiting for something better to come along. Waiting for change on a relationship or a new job or just even your life.Well I have done this for about 25 years and let me tell it does not work unless you put action into place.I am 36 years old and I am very fortunate to grasp onto this concept finally.I have wasted a long time on countless occasions to try to fool myself that there is a better way to get to the happiness of life.I sit here thinking to myself as I write to you "wow i should be dead or locked up."I remember an incident  back about 6 years ago during my heavy use of Crack Cocaine. I had been renting my parents car out to the local drug dealer.My Mom and Dad were in Florida at the time and I thought to myself they will never find out I will have the car back before they know it. Well I was wrong they found out when they called my uncle and he told them that I had been gone for days. My mom called me on my cell phone yelling "Get your Ass home now and my vehicle back in the garage." See what she did not know was her vehicle was in Wilkes Villa Rented out.I wish I could tell you that I got there safely to and from but that wasn't the case. I got a ride to get the vehicle and I was so high and frantic about what I was going to do , I never saw the old couple in front of me. I turned my head to see the back of there vehicle and I hit them. I jerked the wheel so hard to the left Flying into a telephone pole.I remember being Life flighted up in the air and the nurse saying" hold on stay with me." They called my Mom in Florida to tell her that her son that she just spoke to might die.Well as you know I did not die but I will tell you this I was waiting to die. I did not want to live anymore.You see I was waiting for death and should have been looking for Him who was waiting for me all along.I see now the big picture God has been waiting for me to live and tell my story of hope and life.

Dealing with Death

You could say its a cruel world or blame others or try to give an explanation why this happens to such young or good people.I want to tell you a story of a little baby who touched so many lives. On December 10,2010 little max was born. He was born with CDH which is Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. Even before this little guy was born the Doctors told us that he would not survive that long which proved to be wrong. Max went through surgeries to try to repair this event that was taking place in his little body. Some days were better then others.Just when we thought he was not going to make it he would fool us and keep fighting.My family posted his days on facebook and other sites of interest.There were people who were praying for this little guy all over the United States,giving hope to others by his fight to live.I will never forget that fateful night when I got the call that max went home to be with the lord.All I could think of was how and why did this happen.Blaming the Doctors for just giving up or yet God for taking him away from us.Well let me tell you another side of this story.The day of the funeral I will never forget either.As I went from my cousins house to the church I was so depressed and my head was hung so low.We arrived at the church to a parking lot that was filled with cars from back to front. As we walked into the church, there was a line waiting to get into the church sanctuary.Finally we were all seated and I looked up to see all these people that one little baby's life had touched.You see as the pastor began to speak I understood Gods plan.He used little Max to spread the word of hope and life that we so seldom take for granted.So I say to you how are you living your life? I know that little boy has changed mine. Love you Max